Have you ever stopped and counted how many times over a day or a week you raise your voice at your children?
I applaud those whose count is low or non-existent.
Now for the rest of us...
I suspect most of us raise our voices far more often than we'd like to admit. And many of us feel like it is the only way to get things done. I can speak for myself in saying that one of my great frustrations is that my husband can tell my children to do something one time and they do, while it seems I can say it three times and finally they respond when my head is spinning and steam is coming out of my ears. Now there may be all sorts of things to explore in that statement, but let's stick to the topic at hand.
The reality is that I work hard to parent without a lot of yelling, but I'm also self-aware enough to know that I would be lying if I told you that at some point (nearly) everyday my voice is raised in frustration. And yet, each time I do so I realize that it's not how I want to parent. (Nor, as I often must throw in here, is it how I experience God as our parent which to me is great motivation!)
So, tonight I decided that it's time to really work on this. And in many ways it is simpler that we think. Just look at what happened at my house tonight...
I told my children that they had five minutes until bed. Then I set the kitchen timer for five minutes. Voila! Now it wasn't me they first heard when their five minutes were up but the "beep, beep, beep" of the timer. And when I walked in to where they were watching a cartoon and turned off the television it wasn't a discussion nor a surprise.
When my five-year-old (who was waiting outside the bathroom for his turn) hit his brother with a stuffed tiger, there was no need to yell. I simply confiscated the tiger and said, "Tigers aren't weapons, they are companions. He will be with me."
This is not rocket science. Read "Parenting 101" and you'll read this stuff. It's just that some days it feels like rocket science. When the day has been overwhelming...when you're running late...when dinner is boiling over...when the dog is barking...when the kids are yelling...it is difficult to remember that your own loud reaction doesn't make anything better. But the reality is that it doesn't.
At best what yelling at our children does is helps us gain control of the moment so we can go on; at worst it teaches our children to fear us or cow-tow to those who react the loudest rather than learning to make better choices and discover their own self-control.
If your child is in danger, by all means raise your voice and keep them safe. If they are just being a child - even an obnoxious one who is getting on your last nerve - why not take a deep breath and treat them as you would want to be treated...why not model for them how you hope they'll behave?
Monday, September 2, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
Maybe I Had It Wrong
Tonight my five-year-old and I had the following conversation:
Five-year-old: You're the best mom I've ever had.
Me: I'm the only mom you've ever had.
Five-year-old: No, I had other moms in heaven.
Me: Really? Did you have a lot of them?
Five-year-old: Only two.
Me: Were they good moms?
Five-year-old: Yes.
Me: Good. I would only want you to have good moms.
Five-year-old: They were good, but not as good as you.
Okay, I admit it...at first my heart melted because...well, you know why my heart melted! He's sweet! (or he knows how to play me, but it's still sweet!)
But my heart also melted because I hear him talk with ease about being in heaven before he was born (something no one to my knowledge explicitly taught him) and I am reminded that when I started this blog I named it Clearest Glimpse because I believe as parents we are the clearest glimpse of God our children get...but what the five-year-old reminds me of is that our children are the clearest glimpse we get.
If only we will pay attention.
Five-year-old: You're the best mom I've ever had.
Me: I'm the only mom you've ever had.
Five-year-old: No, I had other moms in heaven.
Me: Really? Did you have a lot of them?
Five-year-old: Only two.
Me: Were they good moms?
Five-year-old: Yes.
Me: Good. I would only want you to have good moms.
Five-year-old: They were good, but not as good as you.
Okay, I admit it...at first my heart melted because...well, you know why my heart melted! He's sweet! (or he knows how to play me, but it's still sweet!)
But my heart also melted because I hear him talk with ease about being in heaven before he was born (something no one to my knowledge explicitly taught him) and I am reminded that when I started this blog I named it Clearest Glimpse because I believe as parents we are the clearest glimpse of God our children get...but what the five-year-old reminds me of is that our children are the clearest glimpse we get.
If only we will pay attention.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Loving My Body
I read an article this week aimed at mothers of daughters talking about what to do and not to do in order to pass on a healthy view of the female body to your daughter. It was a good article.
And again it got me thinking about my view of my own body.
And here are the conclusions I came to:
1) I am a product of my culture and therefore I think I weigh too much, I think I have too many round places, I think my legs and my arms (and other parts) should be thinner.
2) Being 40 has given me a peace (even if it is peaceful resignation) about my body. Here's the thing...no matter what I weigh, my hips and thighs will always be the biggest part of my body and I will never have slim upper arms (that's the genetic gift from my grandmother that just keeps giving!). And I've decided it's okay not to hate these realities.
3) I am comfortable in my body. Yes, even as I write this I am glad my laptop is sitting on my lap so I don't have to look down and see how far my thighs spread and yes, I am aware of the many times I'm sucking in my stomach (or at least trying) so that the rolls aren't so noticeable. But, this is the body in which I live and move and have my being and it's a pretty comfortable place to live. And, after all, this summer I have actually appeared in public in a swimsuit more than once - if that doesn't scream, "I'm comfortable here", what does?
4) There is much to celebrate about my body. I am rarely sick (not just major things, but rarely even have a cold). I have low blood pressure, cholesterol, sugar, etc. - just ask my doctor who recently ran blood work. I am able to get out of bed each morning with ease, to walk up and down the stairs in our house to do load after load of laundry, to chase my children when they beg me to be the Kissing Monster, to carry my five-year-old who still likes to be in his momma's arms, to hug my children, my friends, my congregants, my husband.
I wasn't built to be a model, but I was built to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a pastor.
And although the scales reflect a larger number than they previously have except when I was pregnant, maybe it's not about the number.
Maybe the freedom that 40 years has given me is the freedom to find joy and health and comfort in this body.
And again it got me thinking about my view of my own body.
And here are the conclusions I came to:
1) I am a product of my culture and therefore I think I weigh too much, I think I have too many round places, I think my legs and my arms (and other parts) should be thinner.
2) Being 40 has given me a peace (even if it is peaceful resignation) about my body. Here's the thing...no matter what I weigh, my hips and thighs will always be the biggest part of my body and I will never have slim upper arms (that's the genetic gift from my grandmother that just keeps giving!). And I've decided it's okay not to hate these realities.
3) I am comfortable in my body. Yes, even as I write this I am glad my laptop is sitting on my lap so I don't have to look down and see how far my thighs spread and yes, I am aware of the many times I'm sucking in my stomach (or at least trying) so that the rolls aren't so noticeable. But, this is the body in which I live and move and have my being and it's a pretty comfortable place to live. And, after all, this summer I have actually appeared in public in a swimsuit more than once - if that doesn't scream, "I'm comfortable here", what does?
4) There is much to celebrate about my body. I am rarely sick (not just major things, but rarely even have a cold). I have low blood pressure, cholesterol, sugar, etc. - just ask my doctor who recently ran blood work. I am able to get out of bed each morning with ease, to walk up and down the stairs in our house to do load after load of laundry, to chase my children when they beg me to be the Kissing Monster, to carry my five-year-old who still likes to be in his momma's arms, to hug my children, my friends, my congregants, my husband.
I wasn't built to be a model, but I was built to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a pastor.
And although the scales reflect a larger number than they previously have except when I was pregnant, maybe it's not about the number.
Maybe the freedom that 40 years has given me is the freedom to find joy and health and comfort in this body.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Another Book You Should Read
While I'm talking about children's books, let me mention one more.
Do you know who Todd Parr is? If not, find out. Or read on, because I'm going to tell you...
He is a children's book author and illustrator. And he does an amazing job of putting big concepts into simple language and fun pictures. You can find out more about him at www.toddparr.com.
Anyway, he has written another of my favorite books. It's titled It's Okay to Be Different. In the book, Todd writes page of page of ways that we might be different (big ears, different sizes, having wheels - as in a wheelchair, eating macaroni and cheese in the bathtub) and each statement starts, "It's okay to..."
In a world where all of us - children and adults alike - are sent many messages each day about the way we are "supposed to be" Todd's words are refreshing and deeply needed.
In fact, today after we were done, one of our teenaged helpers came to me and said how much he appreciated that book. He's not a kid who is obviously that much different than any of his peers, but those words...it's okay to be different...for some reason mattered to him.
Whoever you are...whatever you are like...in whatever ways you are different...know that it's okay.
Do you know who Todd Parr is? If not, find out. Or read on, because I'm going to tell you...
He is a children's book author and illustrator. And he does an amazing job of putting big concepts into simple language and fun pictures. You can find out more about him at www.toddparr.com.
Anyway, he has written another of my favorite books. It's titled It's Okay to Be Different. In the book, Todd writes page of page of ways that we might be different (big ears, different sizes, having wheels - as in a wheelchair, eating macaroni and cheese in the bathtub) and each statement starts, "It's okay to..."
In a world where all of us - children and adults alike - are sent many messages each day about the way we are "supposed to be" Todd's words are refreshing and deeply needed.
In fact, today after we were done, one of our teenaged helpers came to me and said how much he appreciated that book. He's not a kid who is obviously that much different than any of his peers, but those words...it's okay to be different...for some reason mattered to him.
Whoever you are...whatever you are like...in whatever ways you are different...know that it's okay.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
What Is God Like?
Today I spent the day with children. This year instead of doing a week of Vacation Bible School in which we meet every day, we chose to do "Terrific Tuesdays" where we spend one day of each week together. We've learned skills and practiced our care for others and the world while addressing important needs around us. Today's emphasis was on literacy.
During the course of this day we read one of my favorite children's books. The book by Sandy Eisenberg Sasso is titled In God's Name. If you haven't read it, I'd suggest you find it. It's really a lovely book.
The storyline basically says this...once people who knew each other's names and names for every other living thing were searching for God's name. So, they started finding names for God, each finding a name they could connect with (the farmer - Source of Life, the tired warrior - Peacemaker, and so on). However, as they all discovered names they fought over whose name was the best. Finally, in a moment of clarity they came to realize that it was when they lifted all the names together that they discovered who God was.
By the way: You still need to read the book...it's much more well written than my brief synopsis and the illustrations are lovely.
Whenever I read this book I am reminded of the fullness of who God is. We can't help but relate more closely to one name or picture of God. And it's okay to have our favorite way of understanding God...okay, unless that gets in the way of acknowledging that our favorite way isn't the only way.
I remember as a college student learning about the use of inclusive language for God - in other words, using non-gendered or multi-gendered language (particularly broadening our scope from the limitation of Father and male gendered-only language). One of the most common defenses I heard in those early days was that there were many people who had been harmed or disappointed by their earthly fathers and that using such language for God was problematic for some of them. While wanting to sensitive to the realities some people had lived through (although perhaps not as sensitive as I thought I was being), my first reaction to this was that perhaps, rather than taking away certain language, the church needed to be addressing parenting skills, family systems, and helping people find healing. In other words, I wasn't first convinced about the use of inclusive language.
And the reality is that I became convinced of the importance of inclusive language for God the day it was put in a different context...the context of fidelity to God.
The reality is that scripture gives us many images of God - from father to mother, rock to shepherd, creator to spirit. And what that means is that although we can each have our most comfortable image, our "go-to" name for God...in order to be faithful to God, we must understand that God is always more, always fuller than we can see.
I wonder how this process would have been different for me had I read Sandy Eisenberg Sasso's book at five years old or ten years old.
I wonder how my children's understanding of God will be different because they will grow up knowing that God is many things, many names, many ways.
I wonder how many people would be more deeply connected to God if other "good people of faith" weren't so worried about having to prove that their name or understanding of God is the best.
And I wonder - if we were able to see the fullness of God - how that would also translate into our ability to affirm the many different facets of ourselves and other people we meet.
During the course of this day we read one of my favorite children's books. The book by Sandy Eisenberg Sasso is titled In God's Name. If you haven't read it, I'd suggest you find it. It's really a lovely book.
The storyline basically says this...once people who knew each other's names and names for every other living thing were searching for God's name. So, they started finding names for God, each finding a name they could connect with (the farmer - Source of Life, the tired warrior - Peacemaker, and so on). However, as they all discovered names they fought over whose name was the best. Finally, in a moment of clarity they came to realize that it was when they lifted all the names together that they discovered who God was.
By the way: You still need to read the book...it's much more well written than my brief synopsis and the illustrations are lovely.
Whenever I read this book I am reminded of the fullness of who God is. We can't help but relate more closely to one name or picture of God. And it's okay to have our favorite way of understanding God...okay, unless that gets in the way of acknowledging that our favorite way isn't the only way.
I remember as a college student learning about the use of inclusive language for God - in other words, using non-gendered or multi-gendered language (particularly broadening our scope from the limitation of Father and male gendered-only language). One of the most common defenses I heard in those early days was that there were many people who had been harmed or disappointed by their earthly fathers and that using such language for God was problematic for some of them. While wanting to sensitive to the realities some people had lived through (although perhaps not as sensitive as I thought I was being), my first reaction to this was that perhaps, rather than taking away certain language, the church needed to be addressing parenting skills, family systems, and helping people find healing. In other words, I wasn't first convinced about the use of inclusive language.
And the reality is that I became convinced of the importance of inclusive language for God the day it was put in a different context...the context of fidelity to God.
The reality is that scripture gives us many images of God - from father to mother, rock to shepherd, creator to spirit. And what that means is that although we can each have our most comfortable image, our "go-to" name for God...in order to be faithful to God, we must understand that God is always more, always fuller than we can see.
I wonder how this process would have been different for me had I read Sandy Eisenberg Sasso's book at five years old or ten years old.
I wonder how my children's understanding of God will be different because they will grow up knowing that God is many things, many names, many ways.
I wonder how many people would be more deeply connected to God if other "good people of faith" weren't so worried about having to prove that their name or understanding of God is the best.
And I wonder - if we were able to see the fullness of God - how that would also translate into our ability to affirm the many different facets of ourselves and other people we meet.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
What's Not in the News
The last couple of weeks have been filled with news around questions of sexuality. Exodus International made an announcement with Alan Chambers issuing an apology. The Supreme Court overturned DOMA and with that act opened doors to extend rights to same sex partners. For those advocating for gay rights, these have been welcome pieces of news. And I am one of those who has been paying attention to what is going on out there.
But there is also something going on right here.
This past Sunday in my little congregation worshipping at the buckle of the Bible belt, I had the joy of sharing our congregation's new welcome statement. And this is what it says:
We are a church that believes in welcoming all people
into a journey of faith where we share questions, discoveries and
conversation.
This means you are welcome regardless of…
your gender
your age
your economic status
your political association
your sexual orientation
your skin color
your faith background
your health
your ability
your mood
your cultural heritage
your relationship status.
Whether you think you have all of the answers
or none of the
answers…
whether you are certain that God calls us
into a diverse and
inclusive faith community or are still wondering…
if you are willing to come to the table and welcome others as they
welcome you,
if you are willing to continue to seek and grow in faith and
understanding,
if you are willing to celebrate the common bond we have in Christ
regardless of our differences…
then you are welcome.
The news items are real and they are important. But what is also important is that there are real people facing and talking about their real questions and discoveries. What is important is that there are communities that are embracing people, sometimes (as is true for some of our members) even in the midst of their questions and uncertainties...but embracing people and engaging the conversation. What is important is that in a small congregation, in a primarily conservative Christian town, two women and their daughter walked forward at the invitation on Sunday and joined the church as a family.
This wasn't in your news, but it's a headline in my life.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Smiling Over My Breakfast
I am a creature of habit. In the mornings this means that I scoop out a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, pour milk over it, and enjoy. I haven't spent much time thinking about my Cheerios...I just like their flavor.
However today I am smiling at my Cheerios. I am smiling because I am proud of this company for taking what was apparently a risky stand in their commercial casting.
Funny thing is that I saw the commercial and didn't realize it was a risk-taking venture. Instead, I simply saw a cute child with loving parents. But apparently there has been negative reaction to the fact that it reflects a mixed race family. (Humorously enough, I had to hear the negativity second hand and read about it through the media, which apparently reflects something about the people I spend time with).
This is another reminder to me about how far we have to go. This is about racism and racial perceptions. This is also about our learning to give permission for people to love who they love.
As I watch my children grow up, one of the dreams I have for them is that they will share their life in good relationships. I hope for them healthy and life-giving friendships. If they seek a partner, I hope for them loving and respectful relationships.
And I hope that a decade from now as they are verging on adulthood that I don't have to worry about reactions from those around them if they happen to love someone of a different race, of the same gender, or who in other ways breaks past stereotypes for partnering.
I remain confused when people spend so much time and energy evaluating relationships on these criteria. There are so many couples of the same race whose relationships are damaging. There are so many heterosexual couples who show anything but love and respect to each other. And yet, there still is an available assumption that same race, heterosexual partnerships are always best, are always okay.
My dream is that my children and all people will soon live in a world where they are encouraged to find partners with whom they can make the world a better place, to whom they can show love, with whom they can grow more fully into the people God created them to be.
This is long overdue.
However today I am smiling at my Cheerios. I am smiling because I am proud of this company for taking what was apparently a risky stand in their commercial casting.
Funny thing is that I saw the commercial and didn't realize it was a risk-taking venture. Instead, I simply saw a cute child with loving parents. But apparently there has been negative reaction to the fact that it reflects a mixed race family. (Humorously enough, I had to hear the negativity second hand and read about it through the media, which apparently reflects something about the people I spend time with).
This is another reminder to me about how far we have to go. This is about racism and racial perceptions. This is also about our learning to give permission for people to love who they love.
As I watch my children grow up, one of the dreams I have for them is that they will share their life in good relationships. I hope for them healthy and life-giving friendships. If they seek a partner, I hope for them loving and respectful relationships.
And I hope that a decade from now as they are verging on adulthood that I don't have to worry about reactions from those around them if they happen to love someone of a different race, of the same gender, or who in other ways breaks past stereotypes for partnering.
I remain confused when people spend so much time and energy evaluating relationships on these criteria. There are so many couples of the same race whose relationships are damaging. There are so many heterosexual couples who show anything but love and respect to each other. And yet, there still is an available assumption that same race, heterosexual partnerships are always best, are always okay.
My dream is that my children and all people will soon live in a world where they are encouraged to find partners with whom they can make the world a better place, to whom they can show love, with whom they can grow more fully into the people God created them to be.
This is long overdue.
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